Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
