don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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