I am spending my child support on dildos
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i believe in u and ur pee
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
