Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
