youre lurking in front of me
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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