I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
