I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
third nipple confirmed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
