i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
