I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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