Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
