he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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