I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
