you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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