This is not my ceiling
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
