why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
