I only kidnapped one of them. chill
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
