hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
