i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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