someone threw a dead crab at me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
