dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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