Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
