awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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