Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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