so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
