I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
