sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
