He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
