You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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