Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
