So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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