I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
