so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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