Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
