if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
