I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
