I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
