my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
