He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
