i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
