I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sponge bath it is.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
