did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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