Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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