Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
