one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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