Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
