Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
