im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
