Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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