We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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