Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
